I have Googled positively ridiculous things such as "How to have more willpower", "How to be on time", and "How to mop a floor".
All of my adult life I have been a fuck-up. Yeah, from an outsiders point of view I may have the smoking hot boyfriend, the academic job, and the impending Masters degree, but inside is a far scarier place. Inside is a place of false promises and seemingly unending monumental declarations. "Today I am giving up sugar!" "I will get this house clean over summer break!" "I swear to god, I will never let the litter box get that disgusting again!" "One day, I will wake up early enough to walk in to work without wrinkly clothes covered in cat hair, wearing no make up, and unshowered!"
But no, after 10 whole years I still can't seem to manage to be on time anywhere, maintain even remotely clean living conditions, stick to a budget, stick to a diet, or stick to one of my many impressive sounding declarations. I suppose I could blame it on my dysfunctional parents, or depression, or one of the various illnesses I seem to acquire and diagnosis myself with, but at the end of the day I know damn well there are people who come from far worse circumstances, yet live their lives with a much greater sense of harmony and dignity. I know, and I think it's important I acknowledge, as opposed to placing further blame, that my problems come from being the laziest, most selfish, idiotic turd burger on the planet.
So the problem is, what's it going to take? I know that my life's biggest challenges (i.e. the things that make me all whiney) are money, organization, weight, and health. Considering I work in academia, I know money is something I will never make, so organization, weight, and health are the things I should, theorhetically, be able to change. Yet I've researched the diets, I've bought the exercise bike, I shifted the boxes around my house in a misguided attempt at cleaning.
The only hope is to try and fix this all in one fell swoop. I got the idea when a repair man came over. My house was a mess, as usual, and I was unbelievably embarrased as I asked him to step over the bra on bedroom floor, and as I moved boxes out of his way to reach what he needed. I knew I had to make a change or else I would end up like one of those people on Hoaders, and NONE of those people get cured at the end of the hour. Alternatively, where on earth was I going to find time to really deep clean and organize my home and MAINTAIN it, when I had a full time job, a relationship, and grad school on my plate? When I got home from work, it seemed completely impossible to be able to workout for an hour, do my homework, spend time with my boyfriend, make a healthy, home-cooked meal AND clean for an hour.
Using my college brains, I was able to deduce that moving burned calories, and did notice myself break a sweat when I moped the floors, etc. Eureaka, I thought, I broke the code! I will clean my way to weight loss! Like the Google addict that I am, I immediately typed "house cleaning" and "weight loss" in my phone and it seemed to produce unsatisfactory results. There was this one lady selling videos of herself scrubbing a kitchen in ankle weights years ago, which seemed stupid, and there was some small blurbs on blogs, but nothing that really gave me the motivational kick that my weak-willed self seems to need in these situations. I figured, I'm already an internet addict anyway, and decided to give it a go myself.
When I mentioned to my boyfriend, in passing, that I thought about simply scrubbing more instead of going to a gym, he cocked an eyebrow, suspecting it was simply me trying to get out of things once again. Hopefully I can prove that handsome fucker wrong by getting a hot bod, in a house as clean as a goddamn Marriott.
This blog will be for the other women out there looking for a solution to their clutter/weight problems.
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